Read this - You' Won't be Sorry....

4 Simple Steps to an Effective Apology

Pride can get the best of any of us. It’s never easy to admit that you’re wrong. Sometimes it feels easier to break off a friendship, cut off ties with a family member, or even end a relationship because someone is too afraid to admit they messed up. That pride can eat you up inside, but you’d rather deal with that than confront the person.  You both end up thinking you're right, rather than admit some fault in the part you played and the end result is something that NEITHER of you wants.  A broken relationship.

And that’s the thing. Saying “I’m sorry” actually shows strength, not weakness. A person who can apologize — and truly mean it — is self-aware. They’ve taken the time to really think about their actions and reflect on the conflict from all perspectives and in my experience when an apology is well thought out and presented, the problem almost always gets resolved.

Here's 4 steps to an effective apology:

1. Acknowledge the offending behaviour.
-  It’s important that we express understanding and ownership of what we did that was hurtful.
- Be specific
- Use “I” statements describing the offending behaviour.  “I didn’t show up at the party and left you alone”
 

2. State how the behaviour was hurtful, and express remorse.
- This is an opportunity to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show empathy for his or her hurt and suffering. “This was thoughtless of me and caused you to worry and feel disrespected. I’m sorry.”  "Me not inviting you must have made you feel lonely and betrayed."

- Don’t use “but” (“I’m sorry I no-showed, but I had a lot of things on my mind”). It dilutes the impact of your apology and appears to deflect responsibility from you to an external cause.

- Be authentic and humble, and don’t apologize with an ulterior motive. Don’t follow an apology with blaming how the other person’s behaviour contributed to this or another problem in your relationship.

3. Promise future excellence.
- Amendments mean changes in behavior. Tell the person what you’ll do to make things right.
-  Ask the other person what he or she would like from you. Allowing the other person to feel heard can be healing on a deep level.
- write out a list of things you will do, which can help correct the mistakes you made in point #1 (Acknowledge the offending behaviour)

  4. Promise that the behaviour will not happen again.
True apologies go beyond words. How can you ensure that the offense won’t be repeated?
- “From now on, I’ll…... ex. (honour our dates, and I’ll be sure to contact you if for whatever reason I’m unable to do so.”)
-  Be realistic and don’t make overly ambitious promises that you can’t keep.

Helpful Tips:

- Write out your apology. However, don’t rehearse your amends to the point where it sounds scripted. Be genuine when you apologize.

- Apologize as soon as possible.

- Let go of being “right” – the important thing is that you show that you understand the other person’s feelings, even if the two of you don’t agree. Feelings are not right or wrong — they just are.

- Don’t be vague about the offense. Be specific. (I’m sorry that I ditched you on Saturday for other friends.” instead of,  “I’m sorry I was such a jerk”).

- Don’t expect instant forgiveness. Give the person time to heal. Don’t impose a timetable on the other person’s process. You might say, “I know you may want some time to think about our conversation. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I realize that it may take some time for me to demonstrate to you that I’m committed to changing my behavior.”
 

If you want help organizing or framing your apology, click on the attachment for a helpful template.

You won't be sorry....

***with thanks to Belinda Cai